Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Ex Factor

I may have lifted that title from a Sex and the City episode. It sounds like a very Carrie-esque play on words.


While the list of dudes I've "dated" might be checkered and lengthy**, the list of "boyfriends" I've had is pretty short. Therefore, is it really too much to ask that the small collection of men I've loved in the past remain bachelors for the rest of their lives? I'm not harboring unrequited love for them, nor do I want any of them back. I just hate the idea that they feel there's someone better than me out there in the world. I want to believe that I am the pinnacle of their lives and without me, they are nothing. Selfish and delusional? Yes. Irrational? I don't think so.

I have, what I consider to be, three exes:

One ex I had no desire to stay in contact with when we broke up. He was a strange man. Our love was more of a friendship-based thing so I'm happy for him if he's moved on. I still don't need to know about it though.

The next ex I genuinely hope stayed/stays single for the rest of eternity. Or just ceases to exist, taking with him all memories of our time together. Whichever. I wish him the best in life as long as "the best" doesn't include a hot wife.

The last ex I genuinely believed would stay single for the rest of eternity. I feel like the last half of our relationship was a giant mind fuck. He was a man child. I left the relationship bitter and assuming he would never grow up. (We both needed to grow up but that's completely beside the point.) Turns out he got married recently and it's annoying the crap out of me.

I just celebrated my one year anniversary and I'm extremely happy and in love with my husband. Obviously, relationship number four was the right one. Comparing the other boyfriends to Matt is like comparing a giant pile of steaming crap to... do I even need to finish that analogy? Still, I don't have to like the fact that my exes are out there walking around with the general population. And I really don't have to like the fact that they're married. I am simply one of those people who is incapable of remaining in contact with exes. It just can't happen in my world. My head would explode. I prefer to think of them as celibate monks, living in isolation on a remote mountain in Asia somewhere. But not all together on the same mountain. That would suck. There are only so many things they could talk about before the conversation inevitably turned to me. And if there's anything I want less than on of my exes getting married, it's one of my exes befriending another ex over the topic me and my failed relationships.

**And I will deny ever having met 90% of them.

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