Monday, July 21, 2008

Savings and Chutzpa

Sometime I think I have a real problem with focusing on and completing things. Small things, large things, big picture things...

Thing to complete #1 - Save some more money.
I don't think I have a problem with spending money, but I definitely have a problem with not being able to save money. I pay all the bills before they're due and we always have money for food and gas. I think my problem is that I don't save the money upfront. I always think I'll wait until the bills are paid before I put some money into savings. But that never really works out, as I'm sure anyone can tell you. We always end up using the money we're supposed to be saving.

Thing to complete #2 - The mountain of projects I have started.
I also have about 1,000,000 unfinished arts and crafts projects stored up around the house. I think about how much more personality our home would have if I completed the paintings, arrangements and decor that I set out to make. I have a closet of 1/2 finished paintings that have followed me through three apartment moves. I have a box of glass paints that I bought four years ago to make a wedding present with. I did finish one thing recently! I had a table sitting in my parents' garage that needed to be refinished. After three years and my parents finally refusing to keep it any longer since I now had a house of my own, it ended up in my living room in all of its worn out ugliness. I had it repainted within the week. I painted it turquoise blue, a shade darker than the living room wall it sits against. I still want to paint cherry blossoms on it, so I guess it's not technically finished.

Thing to complete #3 - The house.
I really love our home but it's not quite there yet. Hopefully after the wedding we'll have some money to put into the house. I am a freak for window coverings. I looooove them. They can really transform a room. Yet, I have none in my house. We have slate blinds that the previous owner installed but there's nothing pretty about them. They're purely functional. I long for curtains. I also want to put up moulding on the walls and crown moulding. How pretty would that look? (Very pretty.) We also desperately need to replace the windows. The sooner the better. They don't open and it drives me nuts to use the AC on nice breezy days. Plus it's a complete waste of energy and money not to replace them. I try to make myself feel better about spending the money by telling me that we'll recoup the investment in heating/AC costs and when we sell the house. Also upon replacing the windows, I want to paint the exterior of the house, the shutters, and the front door. A little landscaping wouldn't hurt either. And then there's the epic battle of converting the lonely toilet in the laundry room into an actual full bath. The list goes on...

Things to complete #4 - Finally being comfortable and in love with me for being who I am.
I had a totally tragic dream last night that Martha Stewart came to give me a makeover and I broke down in tears and started bawling. She asked me if I was happy with myself and I let out a wailing "NOOOOOOOOO!" while pulling on my hair and trying to hide my face. DAMN! Am I trying to tell me something? I generally internalize all of my insecurities and try not to let people really know what they are. Insecurity is not attractive on anyone. Anyone! I have a bad habit of comparing aspects of myself to those of other people, and then I end up feeling really bad about myself. I need to stop doing that. It's bad news.

I'm not really talking about comparing myself to a model on a magazine and then wishing I could lose ten pounds and grow five inches. I understand, and accept, the stranglehold genetics has on my body. I'm insecure in the intellectual and creative sense. I always think I fall short on creative chutzpa. I always want more out of myself. I feel like my portfolio is just a big book of near failures. I always look at other peoples' creativity and think "GOD! I would KILL for her use of the color pink!" I'm also painfully aware of the fact that although I am a champion of trivial knowledge, I have no applicable higher-academic book learning. I went to college but chose to study art, design, and food and never felt a real need to get beyond an Associates degree. As a result, I can make the prettiest cupcake in the world but have close to zero knowledge of world history and I never learned a foreign language. That might not bother most people, but it bugs the crap out of me.

So, there we go. Four things to work on...

1 comment:

Cathy said...

I went to a more traditional school and can still only tell you how many years you'd get for robbery with a loaded automatic weapon or which race is more likely to go to jail at all. In fact this morning on the radio they said something about Thomas Edison's last breath being held in a museum in a test tube from when he died in 1931 or something. And you know what I thought? "I thought he died like back in the 1700s. Has there really only been the lighbulb for 125 years?". Besides, thats what Wikipedia is for.