Friday, September 5, 2008

Life Quandaries on a Friday Afternoon

This upcoming wedding is making me reflect back on everything I've ever done in my life and think, was it enough? Have I accomplished enough? Have I tried hard enough? What would have happened if I hadn't done so much stuff wrong? I am absolutely in love with Matt and I can't imagine my life without him, now or in the future. I can't wait to get married. I'm talking about things like, what if I had gone to a real college? What if I had chosen a different career? What if I had tried harder and landed that dream job? Would everything have really changed or would I still be the same person I am today? I don't know if I believe in destiny so would I still have found my way to Matt?

I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I just see this as a new beginning and I'm wondering if the life I'm leaving was lived up to it's full potential. I believe that we are all in complete control of where we take our lives. I want to know how to make the next chapter as full as it could possibly be. I don't want to do anything half assed anymore. In my younger years I just didn't care until it was too late. I didn't care about getting a bachelors degree until I was 23 and already $10,000 in educational debt. I didn't care about interviewing with Ervin and Smith because in my head I had failed before I even walked in the door. I didn't care about losing the old friendships because there was always a newer one. How do I let go of all those things I did wrong and simply vow not to make the same mistake twice? Someone once told me, "You have the talent. You just have to find the passion." How do I finally rectify that and find something that I can feel passionately about?

There's so much left to do while Matt and I are still young and childless. How do we do it all? How do we move to San Francisco but still stay in Omaha with our home and our families? How do we break out of our 9-5 jobs and open two businesses while supporting his musical career? How do we travel the world for a summer but still pay the mortgage?

Maybe I should just go read some Nietzsche and shut the hell up.

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